That Guy

[JZBrown]

this is my favorite bit of the week. i have a few suggestions for big head that guy who cuts his lawn early saturday mornings, that guy who takes the last beer that he didn't buy, and that guy who has to one up everyones stories.

just a few suggestions from me. if anyone has some good ideas post them here.

[truckdrivingscorpio]

I've got an idea or two for a future "That Guy". How about the guy who takes up two or more parking spaces at Target because he is too damn lazy to park properly, or perhaps the guy who insists on driving 45mph in the passing lane on the highway.

[ZLX Big Head Braden]

this is my favorite bit of the week. i have a few suggestions for big head that guy who cuts his lawn early saturday mornings, that guy who takes the last beer that he didn't buy, and that guy who has to one up everyones stories.

just a few suggestions from me. if anyone has some good ideas post them here.

I've got an idea or two for a future "That Guy". How about the guy who takes up two or more parking spaces at Target because he is too damn lazy to park properly, or perhaps the guy who insists on driving 45mph in the passing lane on the highway.

Dudes & Dudettes! These are great suggestions! I will definitely do a few of these, but that one I highlighted, I've already done it. The Slowpoke in the Fast Lane Guy, (Jesus Christ on Candy Crutches, I hate that A**hole...), I did it a couple of years ago. Here's the script I wrote for it. If I can track down the audio, I'll try and post it here.

That guy – that guy who won’t get out of the fast lane


Well, good morning turdjockeys. Hope everybody had a good weekend, because I sure didn’t. I was looking forward to sitting my ass down and watching some college football on Saturday, but unfortunately I had to go back to Western Mass to handle some things. I don’t really want to get into it, but I have learned something; if a stripper tries to blackmail you, she really doesn’t have the greatest of confidence with the potential results of paternity suit. Anyway, since I don’t own a car, I had to borrow my roomate’s truck to get back there. Now, usually when I go back there I get a ride from somebody, and I really couldn’t think of the last time I’ve driven on the Pike. After this weekend, something tells me I couldn’t recall because I must have repressed the memory of it. And by it, I mean the obvious bloody rampage and the abandoned barn full of bodies somewhere between Worcester and Amherst. Holy crap, I forgot how awful it is to drive on the highway. But it’s not the gridlock, the ridiculously high tolls, or the fact that I’d rather eat antifreeze-covered ditch gravel than anything available at any of the rest stops along the way. No, what really grinds my gears is the fact the road is full of that guys. Specifically, that guy who won’t get out of the left lane.

This is for all my commuters out there. Dude, get the f*** out the way. Buddy, it’s called the fast lane. You’re not going fast. Thusly, get your Volvo wagon-driving ass over to the right. I’m shocked. I somehow forgot how many of these bastards are out there. Look. We all took Drivers Ed, ok? And we all know that the creepy guy teaching us always said that you were to stay out of the left lane unless you’re passing somebody. Apparently, tons of people never got that info or choose to ignore it. There’s nothing quite as frustrating as trying to get somewhere, and you’re stuck behind Jerky mcJerkface who doesn’t want to get out of the fast lane.

Look, grandma, the general rule of thumb here is that unless you’re going faster than the traffic to the right of you, you should stay out of the passing lane. It’s called the passing lane for a reason. If you’re not passing anybody, get the f*** out of the way. It’s amazing. It doesn’t matter if you’re on the Pike, 93, 95, 495 or the road that takes you to Jeremy’s mom’s house, (a popular destination with ex-cons, apparently) you’re gonna get stuck behind this guy at some point. I don’t know if he’s trying to police the roads himself, or if he’s just too lazy to move over from the left lane, but it sucks all the way around. Hey clownshoes, some of us would like to get where we’re going before the sun sets, so move your ass!

This one guy I was behind for 30 miles on Saturday takes the cake. He was going the speed limit in the passing lane, and he was riding side by side with another car, and there were only two lanes at this point. Well, this guy wouldn’t speed up or slow down, and after a few miles, we had an armada of backed up vehicles behind him. People were trying to get him to move, tailgating him, flashing their lights, one guy even honked at him. Dude wasn’t budging. I was behind him for so long, that I started trying to come up with the most elaborate ways to kill this cupcake just to pass the time. My best fantasy involved a guillotine, 24 rabid chickens, a trident, and a Ziploc bag full of fire ants covered in ghonerria. It’s time like these I really wish I had a Mongolian blowgun. You know, so I could just pull up next to him, roll down my window, and boom! More poison in your face than a private Brett Michaels concert in your basement!

You know, I don’t know if he gets off by making everyone else miserable or whether he thought he had dibs on the lane, but I couldn’t have been the only one who wanted to club him with a tire iron and then remove his heart with an ice scraper. I never got by the guy, and he made my trip a half hour longer than it usually takes. And there’s not much you can do about it either. There’s no wayshort of shooting out his tires) that you can get back at that guy. Well, unless you’re a radio producer with 5 minutes to spend ranting on-air against something every week and you’ve got a small issue with holding grudges. So Mr. White Volvo Station Wagon, Massachusetts plate # *********, me and you, we’ve got a score to settle. And I’m going to enlist some help. If anybody sees this guy out on the road, please make it well known that you will not tolerate his behavior. Give him the finger, cuss him out, and hell, if you have a blowgun, hey, you have a blowgun. You already much cooler than me, and I know you won’t put up with this crap.

So to all the jackasses who insist on camping out in the fast lane, save yourself the trouble of a blowdart to the face and just let the rest of us hustle on by. Otherwise, I’m gonna have to take this ice scraper and cram it up your cramhole. Do us all a favor, don’t be that guy.


Keep the suggestions coming!

[ZLX Big Head Braden]

I've got an idea or two for a future "That Guy". How about the guy who takes up two or more parking spaces at Target because he is too damn lazy to park properly, or perhaps the guy who insists on driving 45mph in the passing lane on the highway.

I did the Target Parking Punk this morning (06.08.09)... and of COURSE I screwed up and gave credit to the wrong guy. My apologies, truckdrivingscorpio. Here's the script. Audio soon on the Homepage.

That Guy – That Guy Who can’t park worth ****

Well hey there, goatlickers. So sorry to blow up your plans for another Big Papi Pep talk and the tens of people waiting to hear that bit, but Papi hit another dinger last night, doubling his season total. Relax, he’s fine. This week’s That Guy comes to us off the suggestions posted on the K&M discussion board on WZLX.com; and yes, there’s a K&M discussion board on there, and to answer Kevin’s second stupid question, yeah, the porn it gets spammed with daily isn’t half bad. It comes to us from somebody who calls themselves JZBrown, but we’ll just go ahead call them Captain Too-much-time-on their-hands-and-never-gets-laid. But thanks for the suggestion, Cap, and good luck during that Halo 3 tournament and finally sticking your junk into something that isn’t just one of your old gym socks. But the truth is, it’s a downright shame I haven’t done this one before, I haven’t seen something overlooked more since kevin’s fourth chin, because we all have run into this asshat. I even came across him in the Target parking lot this weekend, or rather his car. Yup. That Guy who can’t park his car worth ****.

Just like Kevin enjoys employing multiple ways to clog his arteries like the expressway on the Friday before a holiday weekend, there are multiple ways this plankchomper manages to fly his fail flag. There’s the standard two spot parker, who treats the little yellow lines with the same regard Kevin shows to ding dong wrappers. Jerky McJerkface over here simply fires his car in there with diagonal abandon, and he couldn’t care less about the other people who want to buy housewares, knockoff marked down Celtics gear, and really really bad sunglasses.

Look, the target parking lot is like a third world war zone even without your renegade slapdash parking splatterdom, but this particular porkswordsman isn’t the only menace of the blacktop. There’s the chump who makes everybody behind him wait as he pulls in and pulls out of the spot more times than Kevin goes back to the buffet, and his doppelganger, the guy who flies out in reverse without looking like his crotch is on fire. But there both trumped by the turd torpedo who swoops in and steals the parking spot you’ve been waiting for.

Just as sure as I am that Kevin wasm curled up with Reggie his weiner dog and a pint of Ben & Jerry’s watching the Tony awards over the NBA Finals last night, I’m sure this slopbucket deserves to have his car keyed a thousand times over. This guy’s just asking for a weedwhacker to the junk, but that would mean I’d have to make a pitstop over at the Home Depot, and if I had to park over there, I'm gonna say "Screw it" and stop by a gun store and a clocktower afterwards.

Maybe you learned how to park from your parents, and they probably wouldn’t bat a flipper at your actions, but the rest of us are just trying to get through our day, and we’d rather not park in Eastern Ethiopia because your punkass can’t be bothered to park your jalopy correctly. So let’s try to pull in and park within the lines like a big boy, or else I’ll pull down your pants and park my boot in your pooper. Great, You got me so upset, I forgot to set myself up. Something something something cram it up your cramhole. Do me a favor, don’t be that guy.

[truckdrivingscorpio]

I must have missed those previous installments of "That Guy", I would love to hear the audio of them. Have you ever done one about the guy at the bar that tells you his life story whether you want to hear it or not? Or how about the A-hole who goes rolls a full shopping cart through the ten items or less checkout? Perhaps even the morbidly fatass girls who insist on wearing bellyshirts and sweatpants with the words "babygurl" embroidered on their battleship sized backsides! If it sounds like I have anger managment issues, it's because I do!

[truckdrivingscorpio]

If you've already done this one, I'd love to hear the audio, but if not, could you do a '"That Guy" segment about those little shits who blast their wall rattling rap music as they drive past your house at two in the morning?

[ZLX Big Head Braden]

Holy crap, that's a good one. I'll do that one soon. Can't believe I haven't thought of that one.

Anybody else got any more suggestions?